Season's Greetings!

So, things may not be any better with the job thing...but I'm honestly giving it the best shot I can.  I am doing everything I can on my end to be patient, and kind, and supportive.  I may fall short sometimes, but I am doing my best.

We finally managed to get our Christmas pictures done...they came out blurry....but they're cute, and totally encompass the dynamic between my two legged child and my four legged child.  I didn't get a chance to send them out yet, because the address book somehow got into Sean's briefcase (I'm imagining little hands had something to do with that), so I addressed them all last night and plan on going to the post office sometime today. As I watch Paige play with all of her toys....which take up an entire half of our den, and are slowly spreading like a vine, and taking over our entire living space...I am reminded of how fun it is to play "Santa" for our daughter.  The reason for the season is in no way lost on me.  I love being reminded of the birth of our Savior, and of the gift of God's Son.  I love showing Paige the Nativity set I have, and showing her Baby Jesus.  I really need to start getting to church more, I think it might bring me a sense of peace that I'm missing in my life.  But I digress.  While I honor and respect the joy that is Christmas, I also absolutely LOVE gift giving.  Especially to Paige.  She's OBSESSED with Santa...and is always pointing him out when we see a picture, doll, or decoration. The thought of seeing her face on Christmas morning is making me just as excited as when I was a kid myself.  The best part about being a Mommy is that, in a way, I get to believe in Santa again.  I get to put out cookies and milk, and a carrot for the reindeer of course, and marvel at the fact that they're all gone in the morning.We get to be kids again.  It's a magical time of year.And I know it's only going to get better.  Regardless of what is going on in our lives, I know that the next few weeks will be spent with family, friends, loved ones, and each other.  No matter what, we're a family, and we love each other.  And there is NOTHING that can change that.  There is nothing that will take away from the magic that is the Christmas season.  And then, we get to have a clean slate, and start over with the New Year.  I know this year is going to bring us many blessings, surprises, and happiness. 

A Little Down....

So hubby started a new job.  Which is great, he's happier there, he really likes the attitudes of his co-workers, he enjoys the commute (no highways...no traffic...very scenic), and he has great benefits.  I'm very happy that he's happy.  The problem is that I'm not.  At all.  His hours are 8:30 to 5.  It's now 7:27 and he hasn't even LEFT yet.  It's so frustrating.  It's Friday night, I'm exhausted as I am sure he is, and the baby still needs a bath, I have laundry to finish, and I wanted to do our Christmas card pictures tonight.  Sigh.  I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I know he works hard for us to be able to afford for me to stay home.  I just want to be able to spend time with him.  And I just don't get that opportunity anymore.  I feel like we're never just spending time together.  I'm always cleaning, he's always working, and of course, the baby needs to be taken care of too!  And I love taking care of her, it's just that today was such a bummer.  I had to eat dinner alone.  I cleaned up alone.  I'm probably going to have to give the baby a bath alone.  And I won't get my Christmas pictures done tonight, which means I have to do them tomorrow, and they won't get out until Monday.  Two days later than I was hoping.  I just wish that with this holiday season, that normally brings such happiness to my heart, my husband would be home more.  I miss him so much.  I feel like I know absolutely nothing about his life anymore.  I don't know anything about his job, I don't know anything about his school, nothing.  I just miss our talks.  Our quiet time just the two of us after the baby has gone to bed.  Last night he got home so late he didn't see the baby at all.  She was asleep when he left in the morning, and asleep by the time he got home.  It just isn't fair.  I just wish there was something I could do.  Some way I could talk to him about it without it being an argument.  I wish he was here to just talk about our day.  I know I'm probably over emotional about it.  I just miss the "us" that we were.  We used to talk about everything. I just miss it.  And I know that I'm a big baby, and a brat.  But I just can't help it right now.  I cannot stop thinking about how much I hate this job.  And I have to go to his company party on Sunday and act like the doting wife who loves her husband (which I do) and supports his job (which I don't right now). UGH.  Sorry for the rant.  I know nobody really reads it...but it makes me feel better to just get this off my chest.  Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow......

Holiday Happiness

I love this time of year.....it's a constant reminder of how blessed we are, and how much we have to be thankful for.  This past weekend was Thanksgiving, and we traveled up to Syracuse to spend time with our family.  My in laws are truly the best.  They love me like their own daughter, and welcomed me into their family and hearts with open arms and smiling faces.  I am so lucky to have them in my life, and for the relationship we share.  We also found out while we were in Syracuse that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are going to have a baby!  I am so excited to be an Auntie! 

The next few weekends are super super busy!  We have Christmas pictures, our annual tree cutting outing, tree decorating, Christmas parties, Christmas card assembling, and LOTS of baking!  I think this year is going to be so much fun!  Paige is already asking for "SAN-A"  (Santa), and everytime we see a picture of him she gets so excited.  The real test will come when we go visit him in the mall next week.   She loves to look at the lights, and the decorations outside everyone's houses.  I love just driving around and pointing them out, and listening to hear squeal with excitement while she claps her hands and yells "PRETTY!"

I think of how much I have in my life to feel blessed, thankful, and fortunate for, and I realize that no matter how many gifts are under my tree come Christmas morning, my Christmas wishes have already come true.  I have the love of a man who is my true soulmate, I have a daughter who, in my opinion, is the most beautiful and amazing miracle God has ever created, and I have a home filled with warmth, love and happiness.  That is the true reason for the season. 

My Cup Overfloweth......

Today is one of those days.  One of the days that I look at my life and wonder how on Earth I got here.  I don't know what I did right to deserve such blessings in my life.  I look back at myself five years ago, and I would never have believed that I would have as much happiness in my heart as I do now. 

I was in what I affectionately call "self destruct mode" before I met Sean.  When he came into my life, it was like I was drowning, and he offered me my first life saving breath.  It sounds cheesy, but it's true.....I had never experienced anything like what he and I share.  Nothing was the same after that first date.  We became inseparable, and fell in love almost immediately.  He is the most wonderful man in the world, and even when we're fighting I know I could never love anyone the way I love him.  He's my better half, my soul mate, and my very best friend

When we found out I was pregnant...our world changed.  First, Sean didn't believe me.  He thought that just because the pregnancy test read positive immediately, we still had to wait the two minutes as directed.  So he paced our bedroom, test in hand, for two minutes before finally coming to his senses and realizing our lives would never be the same.  We had talked about marriage before the news, but decided that we would push the date up....I wanted the same last name on the birth certificate.  And we love each other...we knew we wanted to spend our lives together.  He proposed on Christmas Day...the most magical day of the year in my opinion.....and I gleefully accepted.  

On April 26, 2009, Paige Abigail was born.  After three days of failed labor induction, and a c-section, I held my miracle in my arms.  And I fell in love.  Again.  With my husband, who simply glowed with the love he had for our child, and with my daughter, who in the first three seconds of her life taught me that love can be so deep that you would lay down your life for someone else's.  Within instants I was prepared to do that for her.

Fast forward 18 months.  I still find reasons to fall in love with my family over and over again each and every day.  From "Hi Mommy" every morning to my husband pulling me into his arms at night, I am surrounded with such a feeling over completeness and happiness that words fail me.  I cannot fully put in to words how fortunate I find myself.  How absolutely in love I am with my husband and daughter.  How much I wish I could accurately show them exactly what they mean to me.  They are my world.  My life.  And life is good.

Time for 2?!?!

Okay, I'll admit it--I have the baby bug!  I have so many friends and acquaintances that are having or have recently had a baby, it's hard not to!  I LOVED being pregnant.  Every bout of morning sickness, every stretch mark, every bathroom run (which happened once every ten seconds or so), every doctor's appointment, every kick, every hiccup.  I loved it.  I loved knowing that I was taking care of my baby like nobody else could.  I even loved labor, although that's in hindsight only.  During my three days of labor, then eventual c-section, I can't say it was a picnic, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world.  Hearing my baby's cries for the first time, seeing my husband fall head over heels in love with someone who fit in the crook of his arm, and looking into the eyes of my daughter is an experience I will never forget. 

Seeing Paige grow up is bittersweet.  I am proud of each and every one of her milestones, big or small.  I revel in her intelligence, curiosity, and silliness.  But with each milestone, I am reminded that she's not going to be a "baby" forever.  In fact, everything I get now in the mail or in my inbox is geared toward raising a toddler.  A toddler.  That's what my daughter is.  It's hard to believe that time has passed that quickly.  I was in such a hurry for her to do all these things, and now I wish I could go BACK in time and relive all the moments.  Don't get me wrong, I did cherish them while they were happening...I just wish that hadn't happened so quickly. 

Now that Paige is a good sleeper (and by good, I mean 12 hours at a time and a 1 1/2-3 hour nap daily), I am beginning to look at the calendar and count "what is ten months from now?"  Don't let anyone fool you.  You're not pregnant for 9 months, you're pregnant for 40 weeks, which is 10 months, which feels like forever and seconds all at the same time.  I miss my baby....the baby that let me rock her, and feed her, and change her.  Now she wants to do everything herself.  I see her walking with my 3 year old cousin, and as the hold hands, I am overcome with desire for another baby. 

I know now is not the best time.  Sean's still finishing up his master's degree, and will graduate in May.  I just want to expand our family so badly that it hurts sometimes.  I love my husband and my daughter, and our home is full of such love that I want another person in our home to share in it.  I know it would be hard having a "toddler" while being pregnant or having a newborn, but I love being a Mommy, and even when it gets difficult, I still at the end of the day look at my sleeping daughter and am filled with such peace.  Such contentment.  Such joy.  I cannot wait to have more of that joy in my heart.  I know one's heart is only so big.  But the heart of a Mommy is different, it just grows and grows and grows to make room for the many people she is blessed with loving.  Like the Grinch...every time a Mother is blessed with another child, their heart grows ten sizes, plus two.

Family Fun!

I have been so blessed with such a wonderful family.  My family is big...loud...and loving.  I have inherited wonderful in-laws, and am one of the lucky ones who can say that I actually get along with them.  I talk to my mother-in-law and father-in-law every night.  Paige loves to skype with her Gramma and Grampa.  And of course her Uncle Brendan, who never fails to make her laugh.  She walks right over to the computer and says "HI!"  It melts the hearts of us all.  What's more, my dad and my "dad-in-law" get along amazingly.  They look forward to chances they have to get together...which isn't often seeing as my in laws live in Syracuse and we live in CT, but when we do have everyone together, we're big happy family.  I love my husband, and love that I was so very lucky to marry into a wonderful family. 

My family is HUGE.  At a normal Sunday dinner, there are anywhere from 13-25 of us.  That's JUST our immediate family.  Let me explain.  My mom and dad divorced when I was probably 12, but I honestly have no memories of a "family" with my mom and dad in it.  Seriously.  We went on vacations with JUST my mom or JUST my dad.  Who does that?!  I think I was actually relieved when my parents split up because it was just calmer in the house.  My mom married and had a son, my 13 year old brother.  He's awesome.  He's kind, smart, and LOVES being an uncle.  I don't have a relationship with my mother's husband, at all.  For some reason he just hasn't welcomed me into his family.  Which is fine.  This may sound callous, but I am better off without him.  He just isn't someone that I think is a positive aspect of my life.  My dad, however, married a woman who is A-MA-ZING! She, along with her family, welcomed us with open arms.  We spent every holiday in memory with them, and never did we feel like outsiders.  If you ask her mom how many grandchildren she has, she'll tell you 8.  And she has her little great-grandchild, who she loves to pieces.  I have never truly reflected on how lucky I am.  When I said earlier that my family is HUGE....I was referring to my "step" family.  But nobody in my family sees it that way.  I was, and always will be a part of them.  We joke that Paige actually looks and sometimes acts like she's a member of their bloodline.  I mean it.  She looks just like my sister, who looks like her mom if you were to see pictures from when she was young.  I act like my "Mom" (I don't like to call her my stepmom, because-truth be told- she raised me)...and everyone jokes that I "must be hers."  It's comical how many nuances we share.  We're both anal retentive about cleanliness, and we sweep at least twice a day.  The things that come out of our mouths are often mirrored.

I live for Sunday dinners.  It's a chance for me to enjoy the company of the family I have come to know and love as a HUGE part of my life.  They are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I am so lucky that we found each other. 

Apple Picking Fun!

I love fall.  I'm sitting here enjoying my pumpkin coffee....which is delicious, by the way, thinking about how much fun is to come in the next few months.  I love this time of year.  The weather gets chilly, you can smell people's fireplaces, hear the crunch of the leaves under your feet, and best of all, enjoy the fun activities fall has to offer.  This past weekend, my family and I did just that.  We woke up Sunday morning, I made pancakes for the family, and off we went to Bishop's Orchards in Guilford.  We went to the orchards and picked our apples.  Paige is perhaps an apple's biggest fan, she's constantly enjoying an apple as her afternoon snack.  I think if I allowed it, she'd eat apples for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I just knew she'd enjoy this adventure.  So off we went to catch the tractor ride to the top of the orchard. 

Once among the trees, Paige was more interested in the rocks on the path than in the trees surrounding her.  That all changed when I showed her what was growing on the trees.  I was awarded with a "MOMMY! APPLES!" as she ran over to the trees to inspect them further.  She was in awe over the amount of apples she saw, and perhaps that they were growing on trees for her to just pick and eat.  And pick and eat she did! She was in a state of rapture that I was allowing her to just eat the apple.  (She often does this with our tomatoes in our home garden, so it was nothing new to her, but I think that the concept of eating apple on top of apple is what enthralled her).  She happily filled her basket to a point where she couldn't even hold it, so her Daddy (who had never been apple picking either) carried her harvest proudly.
When we had  picked enough for apple pie, crisp, bread, and any other apple recipe you could imagine, we caught the tractor ride back down the hill, paid for our apples, and headed to the farmer's market.  There we indulged ourselves in lots of yummy treats, and got dinner to heat up at home.  It was such an amazing day, I can't imagine spending it with anyone else.  My family has grown so much in the last year.  Last year we never would have been able to just "go" anywhere.  Now, we can quickly load the diaper bag with juice, diapers, wipes, and a distraction toy, and off we can go.  My daughter has grown into the cutest, most curious toddler I have ever met.  I fall in love with her time and time again.  I got the honor of doing it again this weekend, in the middle of an apple orchard.  I think with each passing season I am brought back to the year before.  I look through my pictures, and see how different things were.  Not better, not worse, just different.  I love how with each passing season will come more adventures, more excitement, and more ways to express my love for my family.