Season's Greetings!

So, things may not be any better with the job thing...but I'm honestly giving it the best shot I can.  I am doing everything I can on my end to be patient, and kind, and supportive.  I may fall short sometimes, but I am doing my best.

We finally managed to get our Christmas pictures done...they came out blurry....but they're cute, and totally encompass the dynamic between my two legged child and my four legged child.  I didn't get a chance to send them out yet, because the address book somehow got into Sean's briefcase (I'm imagining little hands had something to do with that), so I addressed them all last night and plan on going to the post office sometime today. As I watch Paige play with all of her toys....which take up an entire half of our den, and are slowly spreading like a vine, and taking over our entire living space...I am reminded of how fun it is to play "Santa" for our daughter.  The reason for the season is in no way lost on me.  I love being reminded of the birth of our Savior, and of the gift of God's Son.  I love showing Paige the Nativity set I have, and showing her Baby Jesus.  I really need to start getting to church more, I think it might bring me a sense of peace that I'm missing in my life.  But I digress.  While I honor and respect the joy that is Christmas, I also absolutely LOVE gift giving.  Especially to Paige.  She's OBSESSED with Santa...and is always pointing him out when we see a picture, doll, or decoration. The thought of seeing her face on Christmas morning is making me just as excited as when I was a kid myself.  The best part about being a Mommy is that, in a way, I get to believe in Santa again.  I get to put out cookies and milk, and a carrot for the reindeer of course, and marvel at the fact that they're all gone in the morning.We get to be kids again.  It's a magical time of year.And I know it's only going to get better.  Regardless of what is going on in our lives, I know that the next few weeks will be spent with family, friends, loved ones, and each other.  No matter what, we're a family, and we love each other.  And there is NOTHING that can change that.  There is nothing that will take away from the magic that is the Christmas season.  And then, we get to have a clean slate, and start over with the New Year.  I know this year is going to bring us many blessings, surprises, and happiness. 

A Little Down....

So hubby started a new job.  Which is great, he's happier there, he really likes the attitudes of his co-workers, he enjoys the commute (no highways...no traffic...very scenic), and he has great benefits.  I'm very happy that he's happy.  The problem is that I'm not.  At all.  His hours are 8:30 to 5.  It's now 7:27 and he hasn't even LEFT yet.  It's so frustrating.  It's Friday night, I'm exhausted as I am sure he is, and the baby still needs a bath, I have laundry to finish, and I wanted to do our Christmas card pictures tonight.  Sigh.  I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I know he works hard for us to be able to afford for me to stay home.  I just want to be able to spend time with him.  And I just don't get that opportunity anymore.  I feel like we're never just spending time together.  I'm always cleaning, he's always working, and of course, the baby needs to be taken care of too!  And I love taking care of her, it's just that today was such a bummer.  I had to eat dinner alone.  I cleaned up alone.  I'm probably going to have to give the baby a bath alone.  And I won't get my Christmas pictures done tonight, which means I have to do them tomorrow, and they won't get out until Monday.  Two days later than I was hoping.  I just wish that with this holiday season, that normally brings such happiness to my heart, my husband would be home more.  I miss him so much.  I feel like I know absolutely nothing about his life anymore.  I don't know anything about his job, I don't know anything about his school, nothing.  I just miss our talks.  Our quiet time just the two of us after the baby has gone to bed.  Last night he got home so late he didn't see the baby at all.  She was asleep when he left in the morning, and asleep by the time he got home.  It just isn't fair.  I just wish there was something I could do.  Some way I could talk to him about it without it being an argument.  I wish he was here to just talk about our day.  I know I'm probably over emotional about it.  I just miss the "us" that we were.  We used to talk about everything. I just miss it.  And I know that I'm a big baby, and a brat.  But I just can't help it right now.  I cannot stop thinking about how much I hate this job.  And I have to go to his company party on Sunday and act like the doting wife who loves her husband (which I do) and supports his job (which I don't right now). UGH.  Sorry for the rant.  I know nobody really reads it...but it makes me feel better to just get this off my chest.  Hopefully it'll be better tomorrow......

Holiday Happiness

I love this time of year.....it's a constant reminder of how blessed we are, and how much we have to be thankful for.  This past weekend was Thanksgiving, and we traveled up to Syracuse to spend time with our family.  My in laws are truly the best.  They love me like their own daughter, and welcomed me into their family and hearts with open arms and smiling faces.  I am so lucky to have them in my life, and for the relationship we share.  We also found out while we were in Syracuse that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are going to have a baby!  I am so excited to be an Auntie! 

The next few weekends are super super busy!  We have Christmas pictures, our annual tree cutting outing, tree decorating, Christmas parties, Christmas card assembling, and LOTS of baking!  I think this year is going to be so much fun!  Paige is already asking for "SAN-A"  (Santa), and everytime we see a picture of him she gets so excited.  The real test will come when we go visit him in the mall next week.   She loves to look at the lights, and the decorations outside everyone's houses.  I love just driving around and pointing them out, and listening to hear squeal with excitement while she claps her hands and yells "PRETTY!"

I think of how much I have in my life to feel blessed, thankful, and fortunate for, and I realize that no matter how many gifts are under my tree come Christmas morning, my Christmas wishes have already come true.  I have the love of a man who is my true soulmate, I have a daughter who, in my opinion, is the most beautiful and amazing miracle God has ever created, and I have a home filled with warmth, love and happiness.  That is the true reason for the season. 

My Cup Overfloweth......

Today is one of those days.  One of the days that I look at my life and wonder how on Earth I got here.  I don't know what I did right to deserve such blessings in my life.  I look back at myself five years ago, and I would never have believed that I would have as much happiness in my heart as I do now. 

I was in what I affectionately call "self destruct mode" before I met Sean.  When he came into my life, it was like I was drowning, and he offered me my first life saving breath.  It sounds cheesy, but it's true.....I had never experienced anything like what he and I share.  Nothing was the same after that first date.  We became inseparable, and fell in love almost immediately.  He is the most wonderful man in the world, and even when we're fighting I know I could never love anyone the way I love him.  He's my better half, my soul mate, and my very best friend

When we found out I was pregnant...our world changed.  First, Sean didn't believe me.  He thought that just because the pregnancy test read positive immediately, we still had to wait the two minutes as directed.  So he paced our bedroom, test in hand, for two minutes before finally coming to his senses and realizing our lives would never be the same.  We had talked about marriage before the news, but decided that we would push the date up....I wanted the same last name on the birth certificate.  And we love each other...we knew we wanted to spend our lives together.  He proposed on Christmas Day...the most magical day of the year in my opinion.....and I gleefully accepted.  

On April 26, 2009, Paige Abigail was born.  After three days of failed labor induction, and a c-section, I held my miracle in my arms.  And I fell in love.  Again.  With my husband, who simply glowed with the love he had for our child, and with my daughter, who in the first three seconds of her life taught me that love can be so deep that you would lay down your life for someone else's.  Within instants I was prepared to do that for her.

Fast forward 18 months.  I still find reasons to fall in love with my family over and over again each and every day.  From "Hi Mommy" every morning to my husband pulling me into his arms at night, I am surrounded with such a feeling over completeness and happiness that words fail me.  I cannot fully put in to words how fortunate I find myself.  How absolutely in love I am with my husband and daughter.  How much I wish I could accurately show them exactly what they mean to me.  They are my world.  My life.  And life is good.

Time for 2?!?!

Okay, I'll admit it--I have the baby bug!  I have so many friends and acquaintances that are having or have recently had a baby, it's hard not to!  I LOVED being pregnant.  Every bout of morning sickness, every stretch mark, every bathroom run (which happened once every ten seconds or so), every doctor's appointment, every kick, every hiccup.  I loved it.  I loved knowing that I was taking care of my baby like nobody else could.  I even loved labor, although that's in hindsight only.  During my three days of labor, then eventual c-section, I can't say it was a picnic, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world.  Hearing my baby's cries for the first time, seeing my husband fall head over heels in love with someone who fit in the crook of his arm, and looking into the eyes of my daughter is an experience I will never forget. 

Seeing Paige grow up is bittersweet.  I am proud of each and every one of her milestones, big or small.  I revel in her intelligence, curiosity, and silliness.  But with each milestone, I am reminded that she's not going to be a "baby" forever.  In fact, everything I get now in the mail or in my inbox is geared toward raising a toddler.  A toddler.  That's what my daughter is.  It's hard to believe that time has passed that quickly.  I was in such a hurry for her to do all these things, and now I wish I could go BACK in time and relive all the moments.  Don't get me wrong, I did cherish them while they were happening...I just wish that hadn't happened so quickly. 

Now that Paige is a good sleeper (and by good, I mean 12 hours at a time and a 1 1/2-3 hour nap daily), I am beginning to look at the calendar and count "what is ten months from now?"  Don't let anyone fool you.  You're not pregnant for 9 months, you're pregnant for 40 weeks, which is 10 months, which feels like forever and seconds all at the same time.  I miss my baby....the baby that let me rock her, and feed her, and change her.  Now she wants to do everything herself.  I see her walking with my 3 year old cousin, and as the hold hands, I am overcome with desire for another baby. 

I know now is not the best time.  Sean's still finishing up his master's degree, and will graduate in May.  I just want to expand our family so badly that it hurts sometimes.  I love my husband and my daughter, and our home is full of such love that I want another person in our home to share in it.  I know it would be hard having a "toddler" while being pregnant or having a newborn, but I love being a Mommy, and even when it gets difficult, I still at the end of the day look at my sleeping daughter and am filled with such peace.  Such contentment.  Such joy.  I cannot wait to have more of that joy in my heart.  I know one's heart is only so big.  But the heart of a Mommy is different, it just grows and grows and grows to make room for the many people she is blessed with loving.  Like the Grinch...every time a Mother is blessed with another child, their heart grows ten sizes, plus two.

Family Fun!

I have been so blessed with such a wonderful family.  My family is big...loud...and loving.  I have inherited wonderful in-laws, and am one of the lucky ones who can say that I actually get along with them.  I talk to my mother-in-law and father-in-law every night.  Paige loves to skype with her Gramma and Grampa.  And of course her Uncle Brendan, who never fails to make her laugh.  She walks right over to the computer and says "HI!"  It melts the hearts of us all.  What's more, my dad and my "dad-in-law" get along amazingly.  They look forward to chances they have to get together...which isn't often seeing as my in laws live in Syracuse and we live in CT, but when we do have everyone together, we're big happy family.  I love my husband, and love that I was so very lucky to marry into a wonderful family. 

My family is HUGE.  At a normal Sunday dinner, there are anywhere from 13-25 of us.  That's JUST our immediate family.  Let me explain.  My mom and dad divorced when I was probably 12, but I honestly have no memories of a "family" with my mom and dad in it.  Seriously.  We went on vacations with JUST my mom or JUST my dad.  Who does that?!  I think I was actually relieved when my parents split up because it was just calmer in the house.  My mom married and had a son, my 13 year old brother.  He's awesome.  He's kind, smart, and LOVES being an uncle.  I don't have a relationship with my mother's husband, at all.  For some reason he just hasn't welcomed me into his family.  Which is fine.  This may sound callous, but I am better off without him.  He just isn't someone that I think is a positive aspect of my life.  My dad, however, married a woman who is A-MA-ZING! She, along with her family, welcomed us with open arms.  We spent every holiday in memory with them, and never did we feel like outsiders.  If you ask her mom how many grandchildren she has, she'll tell you 8.  And she has her little great-grandchild, who she loves to pieces.  I have never truly reflected on how lucky I am.  When I said earlier that my family is HUGE....I was referring to my "step" family.  But nobody in my family sees it that way.  I was, and always will be a part of them.  We joke that Paige actually looks and sometimes acts like she's a member of their bloodline.  I mean it.  She looks just like my sister, who looks like her mom if you were to see pictures from when she was young.  I act like my "Mom" (I don't like to call her my stepmom, because-truth be told- she raised me)...and everyone jokes that I "must be hers."  It's comical how many nuances we share.  We're both anal retentive about cleanliness, and we sweep at least twice a day.  The things that come out of our mouths are often mirrored.

I live for Sunday dinners.  It's a chance for me to enjoy the company of the family I have come to know and love as a HUGE part of my life.  They are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I am so lucky that we found each other. 

Apple Picking Fun!

I love fall.  I'm sitting here enjoying my pumpkin coffee....which is delicious, by the way, thinking about how much fun is to come in the next few months.  I love this time of year.  The weather gets chilly, you can smell people's fireplaces, hear the crunch of the leaves under your feet, and best of all, enjoy the fun activities fall has to offer.  This past weekend, my family and I did just that.  We woke up Sunday morning, I made pancakes for the family, and off we went to Bishop's Orchards in Guilford.  We went to the orchards and picked our apples.  Paige is perhaps an apple's biggest fan, she's constantly enjoying an apple as her afternoon snack.  I think if I allowed it, she'd eat apples for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I just knew she'd enjoy this adventure.  So off we went to catch the tractor ride to the top of the orchard. 

Once among the trees, Paige was more interested in the rocks on the path than in the trees surrounding her.  That all changed when I showed her what was growing on the trees.  I was awarded with a "MOMMY! APPLES!" as she ran over to the trees to inspect them further.  She was in awe over the amount of apples she saw, and perhaps that they were growing on trees for her to just pick and eat.  And pick and eat she did! She was in a state of rapture that I was allowing her to just eat the apple.  (She often does this with our tomatoes in our home garden, so it was nothing new to her, but I think that the concept of eating apple on top of apple is what enthralled her).  She happily filled her basket to a point where she couldn't even hold it, so her Daddy (who had never been apple picking either) carried her harvest proudly.
When we had  picked enough for apple pie, crisp, bread, and any other apple recipe you could imagine, we caught the tractor ride back down the hill, paid for our apples, and headed to the farmer's market.  There we indulged ourselves in lots of yummy treats, and got dinner to heat up at home.  It was such an amazing day, I can't imagine spending it with anyone else.  My family has grown so much in the last year.  Last year we never would have been able to just "go" anywhere.  Now, we can quickly load the diaper bag with juice, diapers, wipes, and a distraction toy, and off we can go.  My daughter has grown into the cutest, most curious toddler I have ever met.  I fall in love with her time and time again.  I got the honor of doing it again this weekend, in the middle of an apple orchard.  I think with each passing season I am brought back to the year before.  I look through my pictures, and see how different things were.  Not better, not worse, just different.  I love how with each passing season will come more adventures, more excitement, and more ways to express my love for my family.

Paigey Mommy, Puggle Mommy

I can remember being pregnant, laying on my side, with my dog's head laying gently on my stomach.  I used to SWEAR he could hear, or at least sense that there was a life inside of me.  He got more and more protective of me, and even growled at hubby when he came home from work one day.  He had a hoodie on, and was crouched down to play with the dog, but the dog did not find it funny at all.  Of course, once he knew it was Sean, he jumped off the bed and scurried for some play time with his Daddy.

The next puggle-related memory in regards to my pregnancy is the day I went to the hospital to be induced.  I cried leaving the house, knowing it was the last time it'd be the three of us-happy, excited, nervous, and worried that Theodore would not take to the new little person in our home well.

When I was in the hospital, I had Paige sleep on top of a blanket so that it would smell like her.  I sent the blanket home with Sean, and it became Theodore's blanket.  When we finally came home, I gently knelt down with Paige in my arms so Theodore could get a look and a sniff at his little sister.  Then I retreated to Paige's nursery where I wanted nothing more than to sit in my rocker and rock my baby girl.  I actually cried when I did that for the first time.  It was like all was right with the world.  And what made it even better was that my four legged child came and put his head between my legs.  I knew then that the two of them would be best friends.  I just had no idea exactly what I was getting myself into.

Fast forward 16 months, and they are still best friends.  He creeps into her room when we're putting her to bed so he can get his good night kiss and hug.  He sniffs at her door before we go to bed to make sure she's still there.  He's the first one in her room every morning, and when she wakes up from her nap, he's sitting in front of her door waiting for me to get her.  They play together, snuggle together, even fight together.  One of her first words was "Bubba" which is our nickname for him.  I love to see them playing with each other, and he's always so gentle when she goes to not so gently take a ball or toy from his mouth.  I remember being worried because she would open her mouth to kiss him....imagine Lucy and Snoopy...."ewww doggie germs!"  But I was assured that all is fine, and that she'd eventually grow out of it, which she has.  She still hugs and kisses him.  She greets him when we come home with a big smile and a "Hi Bubba!"  Every single thing Paige eats, Theodore eats too....from Gerber Puffs (affectionately known in our house as baby crack) to her chicken or apples, if Paige gets a bite, so does "her Bubba."  Sean and I often joke that while he may have purchased Theodore before we even met, he was my dog, but now, that's HER dog.  Everywhere Paige goes, so does Theodore.  If the two of them are playing in our living room and I'm starting or cleaning up after a meal and they are too quiet, I know they are up to no good.  And comically enough, they will sometimes tell on each other.  She'll come and say "Mommy....Bubba" and he'll just dance around me until I follow him to see what his partner-in-crime has done.  At the end of playtime, they both curl up on the couch next to each other...sometimes she'll even lay ON TOP of him, and they'll relax watching some Nick Jr.  I had no idea an animal could be so completely gentle.  He loves her so much, and she loves him....sometimes TOO much.  She'll wrap her arms around his belly and rest her head on his back and just hug him.  He'll stand there and let her for as long as she wants.  I love to watch them love.  

I remember worrying (this is going to sound silly, but I blame it on my hormones) that Theodore was going to think we ruined his life by bringing another little person into the house to love.  But like humans, a dog's heart just expands to make more space for more love.  He realizes she is "part of the pack"  and views her as perhaps the most important.  After all, she is the most fragile, the most loving, not to mention she shares all of her food with him.  Yes, I did wonder how he would react, I just never in my wildest dreams in a millions years imagined he would be as wonderful a "big brother" as he has turned out to be.  I joke that I have two children, a two-legged one and a four-legged one.  But looking at them, I think you'd agree.  I think if he could answer and you asked him...he'd say that she was the best thing that ever happened to him.  He gained a playmate, a snuggle mate, and a little sister. 

My Daughter, My Shadow, My Sponge

This morning, I woke up, made myself a cup of tea, made pancakes for Paige and I, and got in the shower.  Normally I let her just play in the bathroom with some toys while I shower, but on occasion I take her in the shower with me.  Today was one of those days.  I brought her in the shower, washed up, washed her up, and out we got.  I wrapped myself in a towel, and did the same for her.  After I put her diaper on her, I went into my bedroom to put lotion on and get dressed.  I propped my leg up on the foot of the bed (our bed is pretty low to the ground).  Paige scooted her way next to me, and what did she do?  She put her leg up on the bed right next to mine and rubbed her leg.  I am amazed by her on a daily basis.  We have a book that my hubby and I have read to Paige on a near daily basis, Toes, Ears, and Nose.   I have memorized the book, and Paige has memorized what is under each flap, so if I recite the poem to her (ie: "inside my mittens I've got...") she will show me what is being hidden under the flap.  So she knows where her fingers, toes, ears, nose, elbow (sometimes), knees, belly button, teeth, tongue, and eyes are.  The cutest part of the book is at the end, where the baby is hiding under the blanket, and you find "all of me!" Paige absolutely loves that part. 

I cannot believe how quickly she absorbs information, and how much of my behavior she mimics.  One thing I did that she emulated was telling our dog to "shut up" when he was a barking maniac.  I wasn't yelling or anything and I said it with love but Paige proceeded to follow me around going "shuh up Bubba, shuh up!"

It's so fun, and intriguing to watch her learn things.  From motor skills to new words, to holding a crayon, to putting on clothes or shoes, I love to watch her brain work.  Additionally I have learned that everything from "putting my pee-pee in the potty" to covering my mouth if I sneeze is a lesson.  Not only is she a sponge absorbing new information every minute of every day, but I'm the faucet that provides the information.  She was always a "little me" according to my hubby....stubborn, strong minded, and vocal about her wants.  Now, she's learning everything she knows from me.  I'm so proud of how advanced I view her to be.  She has a very extensive vocabulary- she knows well over 15 words, and uses most of them in context.  She follows simple directions ("get Mommy your juice cup" or "sit down so Mommy can put your shoes on"), and she will ask for things she wants ("I want juice", "I want apple", "I want uppie" are some of her favorites).  It's such a joy to be a mother and a teacher to your child.  I just have to keep in mind that school is ALWAYS in session.

De-Binkify Your Life: The (Somewhat) Easy Steps to a Binky Free, Happy Baby!

Let me be the first to say this.  Getting rid of the binky is the hardest thing I've had to do as a Mommy thus far.  Teething?  No problem-a little Tylenol during the day and some Benadryll at night and all is right with the world.  Getting rid of the bottle?  Piece of cake- just introduce the "Big Girl Cup" and voila!  But this binky has been the source of much strife in my life.  So much so that I've already dedicated an entry to said binky, and was compelled to document yet another one.  My daughter is now Binky-free.  And my life is that much easier.  As a Mommy, one can totally relate to your mental checklist before you walk out the door.  Diapers.  Wipes.  Change of clothes.  Juice.  Snack.  Toy.  And now, there's one less thing I have to remember not to forget.

As I said before, I was determined to get rid of the binky before she could actually ask me for it.  Truth be told, I never wanted to give her a binky.  But as a wise nurse in the Maternity Ward at the hospital told me "you can take away a binky, but you can't take away a thumb."  So I relented, and gave her the binky.
She did look very cute with it, and was very comforted.  Sucking is a natural soothing mechanism for children, and is a developmental tool.  I definitely would rather her with a binky than a thumb.

I must admit, having the binky has been very beneficial.  In her first months of life, Paige had acid reflux, colic, and a milk allergy. The binky helped to keep her comforted, relaxed, and happy.  And as we all know if baby is happy, we're all happy.  As she got older, she became more dependent and would rely on her bink for everything.  She was, and is, a wonderful sleeper, but if her bink fell out of her mouth during the night, Mommy would have to go and rescue it from under the crib.  I have no idea how it got under the crib in the middle of the night, but I digress.  Eventually I got to the point where I knew it was time to let go.

I have summarized the de-binkifying process into the three c's: committal, consistency, and confidence.  I first committed myself to doing it, and doing it in stages.  I started by limiting her binky use to naps and bedtime.  Once she was okay with that, I set a date.  At first I thought I could do it cold-turkey, but from what I've learned in this process cold turkey is not okay.  Regardless of what you'll read from experts....to each their own.  I don't think it's a good idea.  After realizing cold turkey was not the route to go for my baby girl, I limited her use to just bedtime.  She did cry the first few afternoons I tried to put her down for a nap, but it did stop, and she did sleep.  Finally, I took the binky away entirely, but I let her make the decision to give it up.  I cut the tip of the binky and gave it to her for bed.  When she didn't get the satisfaction she expected, she spit it out, played with her hair, snuggled her lovey and off to dreamland she went.  Another tip:  replace the binky with something your child can hold.  A lovey, blankie, or something equally as soothing is perfect.  I gave Paige a stuffed otter, a pillow pet she got from her cousins, and a small blanket lined with satin so she could soothe herself to sleep. 

It was very hard getting to this point.  The point where I wasn't doubting myself.  The point where I wasn't sad that one of the last things my baby had that made her a baby was being taken away from her.  It was very emotional for me and my husband because we both loved that binky, and loved her with it.  But we knew it was time to say goodbye to that little bit of babyhood.  And no matter how big she gets, I'll always see her as my little baby girl. 

The most important of the three c's is confidence.  Know that no matter how much your child loves their binky, you CAN wean him or her off of it.  Be confident that they are ready.  Know it is with their best interest that you are doing it.  And understand that while the first few days/weeks will be trying, they too will end.  And you can lead a binky-free life. 

Like trying to bottle the ocean.....

I love being a Mom, and a wife.  Believe me.  I wouldn't trade my life with anyone, for anything.  But sometimes, I just am so overwhelmed with cleaning, and laundry, and everything else that comes with this job that I start to feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  And then I finally just take a deep breath and get it done, only to turn around and see that the clean path I made from room to room has been taken over.  My once clean living room is strewn about with toys.  My empty laundry basket is now half full of clothes.  I know what you're thinking.  It comes with the territory.  And I can totally understand that.  I accepted the responsibilities of being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) and embrace my duties wholeheartedly.  But sometimes, I just want to sit down and read my Kindle, or have a cup of tea, or just reflect on my thoughts. 

Part of this feeling stems from my self diagnosed OCD.  I may not be full-blown obsessive compulsive, but I just cannot STAND a messy house, it makes me anxious.  The floors have to be swept and mopped (I mop them twice, once with a cleaning solution, and once with bleach...which is non-toxic if diluted and allowed to dry), or I physically cannot stand it.  The dishes cannot sit in the sink, they have to be in the dishwasher.  I have to clean the bathroom daily, or I am physically repulsed by it.  I bring my anxiety upon myself because of these "quirks."  I wish there was a way to get around it....to work through it.  I just can't.  And while I know that my husband won't love me any less, and my daughter will still give me her million dollar smile if I decide to take a "personal" day and just relax, I would never be able to forgive myself for leaving the house a mess.  I hate myself for making that admission. 

I'm making this vow to you....whoever is reading this.  And to myself...to come back and read this over once in a while, when I feel myself taking the downward plunge into craziness.  I will try harder to relax.  I will try harder to not be a hurricane of frenzy when I see a speck of dirt on the floor, or a few shirts in the hamper.  I will turn to this blog, or to my Kindle, or just to looking at the picture I'm going to post at the end of this entry, the picture that never ceases to make me smile.  And then I will realize that life is not about having a spotless house.  Spotless is an impossible feat with a Puggle and a 16-month old.  No matter how much I clean, there will always be a stray toy, or a puzzle piece, or even a *GASP* dirty sock under the bed.  Life is about loving the fact that you have a family to leave a toy out, or forget a sock.  Life is too short to spend it sweeping.

Mom vs. The Binky

I've decided that it's time for Paige to say good-bye to her lifelong friend, her Binky.  I put it off and put it off.  I almost clung to one of the last things of her infancy.  Truth be told, I was also a little scared about how she'd react if I took it away.  She's quite dependent on it, particularly at naptime and bedtime.  I started off not allowing her to have it if she was out of the crib.  So she'd get it before she went down for a nap or for the night, and all was right with the world.  She sleeps WONDERFULLY, and I really didn't want to mess with that.  I mean, a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon, and then down for the night at 9:00 until 8:30 is something I'm very fortunate for.

Once she was satisfied with handing the binky over when I'd take her out of her crib, I began thinking about taking it away forever.  It was a really hard decision, but I set the date.  We were away for two weekends straight at a family reunion, and then a camping outing, so my hubby and I decided that the week we came back (this week) would be the week we started weaning her off.

Monday came, and I put her down for a nap with no binky.  Low and behold, my amazing daughter sleeps for three hours with not so much as a peep.  I was so proud of her.  I bragged to hubby, my mom, and anyone who would listen.  Then bedtime rolls around, and Paige is literally HANGING from the "binky drawer" screaming for her binky.  I ignored it, and put her down with her "softy" and her stuffed otter, and she SCREAMED for about 10 minutes, until she finally fell asleep.  I was so very proud of her, and myself for being strong and letting her just settle herself down.  At 2:30, her breathing monitor (Bebesounds Angelcare Deluxe Movement Sensor with Sound Monitor) which I would recommend to anyone...it's a piece of mind at first, and then will alert you if/when your LO decides to climb out of the crib, went off.  My husband jumped out of bed, and went into her room, to find her at the top of her crib, so the sensor didn't pick up her movement.  We discovered she had pooped, so we changed her, and she wouldn't go down without a binky.  So I gave in (I was EXHAUSTED, and just couldn't torture her anymore...guilt was setting in), and she slept fine the rest of the night.

Tuesday rolls around, and I take the binky away from her when she wakes up.  No problems.  We go to MyGym...something else I would highly recommend, and on the way home she's crying from hunger and being tired.  So I feed her and take her to her room...and once again she cries for her Binky.  So now, of course, I'm beginning to doubt myself that this just isn't the time to take her Binky away.  I give in, and call for reinforcements.  My stepmom (who is my best friend) and my hubby.  They both assure me that it's okay if she has it, so I decide to just let it be.  Tuesday night she takes my hand, and hubby's hand, and off we go to bed.   No binky, no crying, no fussing.  NOTHING.  We put her down, and she slept until 8:45 with no binky.

This morning  she is a happy little girl.  Naptime rolls around (well sort of, she gets fussy and clingy).  I look up from checking the news, and there she is, hanging on the binky drawer.  So I once again, give in....but this time I think I may have won.  I cut the binky in half, eliminating the suction she'd get, and send her on her merry way into her crib.  She is still sucking on it, but she cried when it wasn't working the way she expected.  She did get herself to sleep, so I'm hoping this is a start.  I am thinking that the best approach is to put her down BEFORE she gets completely exhausted.  Then she can just settle herself down with her loveys and be done with it.

Tomorrow is another day.  I'm hoping I win this war.

The first step....

I've never done a blog before, so please forgive me if I ramble, or bore you.  This is my story.  My story of being a stay-at-home wife and Mommy.  I'm not sure what possessed me to start this.  I think it's just so I can have a place to vent, to share my triumphs and defeats, and maybe to get help, and give help in the everyday questions a Mom and wife may have. 

Here's my introduction.  I'm a 26 year old mother of one.  My daughter, Paige, is 16 months old.  I am married to my wonderful husband, Sean, and while we may fight (what couple doesn't?!) I love him with all of my heart and soul.  I by no means have the perfect life, but it's perfect for me.  I often look around at my home, my family, and the life I've created and wonder "What have I done to deserve this?"  Anyone who knew me, really knew me, five years ago never would have imagined that I would have turned my life around so drastically.  I have truly become the person I always wanted to be.  And I'm very proud of that.  I'm proud of walking away from the people that were dragging me down, and for finally deciding not to settle just so I wouldn't be alone.  Only then did I find the person I know I was meant to be with.

Sean and I were not married when we were surprised with Paige.  In fact, the story of us discovering we were pregnant is quite comical.  I'll save that for another post.  I know that Paige and Sean saved me.  They saved me from myself, and from the life I was leading.  I can never show them how thankful I am, nor can I ever repay them.  I find myself watching them both as they sleep and am overcome with emotion.  I never knew love could be this way.  I know every parent says it, but I have the most BEAUTIFUL little girl I've ever laid eyes on.  She literally takes my breath away. 

We are not rich.  We don't drive fancy cars, or own a big house.  In fact, we both drive modest cars, and rent the first floor of a home.  It's a beautiful house, and together we have made it a home.  A home that we can be proud of.  This make us the wealthiest people in the world.  To have love, and each other is all that really matters in this world. 

So this is my story.  I hope that within it's words, one will find humor, inspiration, and truth.